Fearful Freedom

This post is something I wrote as I was getting ready to go to the MOPS convention. Enjoy!

As I prepare to go on a 4 day trip WITHOUT children,I have mixed emotions. It makes me think ahead to next year when all 3 kids will be full time elementary students. The first thoughts are of course the visions of bubble baths & curling up with a good book. I'd be lying if I said visions of a Donna Reed quality home didn't enter my mind (and my husband's mind as well). But having grown up in a militant feminist household, I get an uncomfortable ooky feeling at just the word "housewife". My childhood programming aside, finances are also a consideration. I think about what extra fun things a paycheck could go to. That thought progresses to what kind of job? Speaking with my friends at Mothers of Preschoolers, I hear about their careers prior to their most difficult, unappreciated career, motherhood. Teacher,business exec, accountant,etc. I have never had a career. Working at Disney for 6 years doesn't count. Owning a tattoo parlor a long time ago isn't a career. Being a receptionist at a biker leather clothing company isn't a career. Working a hot dog cart in a bathing suit isn't a career either. See I guess my problem is that I am terrified about having to be a grownup. I went from high school to a party college like UF. Then I dropped out (I did mention that UF was a party college right?) and went back to living with mom and dad at home. Then when I was 21 they decided I needed help towards becoming an adult so I had to move out. Moving in with an old friend from college didn't help the whole becoming a grownup thing at all. She was still in college so therefore still partying. Then getting a job at Disney world didn't help because being a big kid is almost a job requirement and definitely an advantage. Then meeting and moving in with my husband didn't force the issue because he's just a big kid as well. That explains the attraction probably. Then kids came. Being a goofball mom is cool (even with the 8 year old as long as it's not in front of his friends) so the looming onset of "grown-upness" has had zero practice or prep work. As a thirty ...ahem...something you'd think I'd have some experience being an adult but therein lies my fear, I have never had to do this before. Do I go back to school with all of those fresh faced kids even though I still have no career choice that is jumping out at me saying "pick me!"? When my friends suggest a career, stand up comic is the most frequent suggestion. But being a clown to friends is VERY different from complete strangers. So what do I do? How do I decide? Then once I decide there's always the fear of "how is this going to affect my boys? Are they going to resent me spending time away from them? Will I be as effective of a mom?". Not that I think that working moms aren't effective, but will I be as effective if I am working? So I see this fearful freedom looming up in my horizon and I have all of these thoughts in my head. When I think on it long enough I know in my heart that no matter what my choice is, God and my friends and family will be there for me. I will have support when I take a deep breath and take that first step to becoming the woman I am supposed to be.