Hi Ho Hi Ho!

Over the hill and through the woods to...... the torture chamber we go! That's what goes through my head walking into the gym. I see these women that practically skip into the gym all happy and perky....sigh..... My life would be so much easier if I could feel that way. Naturally or pharmacologically. With or without my kids I drag my feet like a prisoner being led to Ol' Sparky. Sometimes it's easier with the 4 year old along because I concentrate on him...." don't bump into her... Say excuse me to them... Watch out for the stroller..". It's easier because I don't have time to observe people while I'm walking in. See, I must confess, Hi I'm Jesse and I'm a people watcher. I can't even stop doing it when I want to. So when I see these groups of slender, graceful women entering the gym, my mind shows me something like a flock of geese because of their long, slender graceful necks. And don't get the panties in a knot ladies, I know geese have big bottoms and waddle, but it's the long graceful necks that I'm thinking of. It's my vision and I can use the symbolism that I want to!!!! While for myself, I tend to conjure up pictures of a huge lumbering bear( does that indicate a Napoleonic complex because I'm 5 f00t 2 AND A HALF inches). I didn't want to join a gym. I'm still waiting for the magic weight loss wand to show up on tv infomercials with Billi May Hayes pitching it. To me gyms are where skinny, fit people go to stay fit. Not where us bigg'uns go to lose it. So a friend who didn't have all that much weight to lose in the first place convinces me to take a tour of her gym. While we are walking through the fitness areas she is excitedly pointing out this cool machine or that one that has helped her lose weight. Meanwhile all I see are medieval instruments of torture. Oh look! There's the rack! Yay! Oh and they have the iron maiden right over here! My mind doesn't see the wide open brightly lit room. It sees a dark dungeon where my torture will take place. I'm all set to say no thanks, but the membership lady and my friend have insidiously saved the best for last and they bring me to the kids area. They have a fantastic kids area and pool and cloud my mind with visions of happy well behaved children thanking me for bringing them to the gym..... my kids .....thankful....well behaved........ bwahahahahahahahahaha! Oh....ahem.......sorry......but that vision alone should have shown me what a fiction this whole thing was. When the tour ended, I voiced my concern at the fact that I didn't see very many "normal" sized women. I saw a lot of "fitness barbie"s walking around but let's face it, I didn't see one big girl in the whole place except when I looked in the mirror. "Rest assured Jesse" they said, there are a lot of people here of all sizes and then they filled my head with more visions of me becoming one of the skinny people. (I am starting to suspect that they have some kind of hallucinogenic that they slipped me for me to be able to envision myself as one of the gym barbies!). And yes you guessed it, I signed up! Now ladies before you get your size zero panties in a twist, please realize that I want to be one of you. Why else would I put myself through the humiliation of joining gym and being seen sweating and struggling if not to achieve what you have? It's just that as I see you running gracefully on a treadmill, it seems so easy for you. I have been klutzy my whole life and now to add insult to injury, you add my weight and sorry but you get jealousy! My logical brain says that some of you ladies were once my size and have worked hard to get to this level of fitness and that some of you have struggled with eating disorders and other problems. But then the emotional side of my brain beats the crap out of the logical side and takes over. And I see you ladies stretching and having a level of flexibility I will never have and even managing to look coordinated in an aerobics class......it makes me envy you and even ..yes I admit it....hate you a little bit. It doesn't help that you tend to wear next to nothing at the gym. What's up with that ladies? We all know you are slender and fit. But you don't need to show every inch of skin possible to prove it. I so do not need to walk past a treadmill and looking around I get greeted by the sight of y'alls butt cheeks hanging out of your oh so tiny shorts. When did wearing a sports bra as a shirt become okay? I thought bras were supposed to be under a shirt not be the shirt! Girls, I realize our gym hires some cutie patootie trainers, but give them some mystery! PLEASE opt for some coverage! Do you see why going to the gym isn't the euphoric experience for me that it is for some people? People like my sister in law and my husband. My s-i-l, I give a pass to on the enthusiasm because she's a personal trainer so it's her job to be annoyingly perky and enthusiastic. (Plus she's blonde, it just seems to come with the territory. Sorry Serena, but it's true.) My husband has no understanding of why I am not a grinnin fool on the treadmill and we have just agreed to disagree on this. I get the whole "ignore everyone and don't look around" lecture...ahem...advice but that isn't in my nature. I watch people. So while in my logical mind I know that there are other "big" girls at my gym, I tend to mostly see the "barbies". Some of whom I must say this about: how are you guys staying upright? The ..uh.. Proportions of your figures break the laws of physics! I swear! You are so umm....top heavy, you should tip over! It makes my back hurt for you sometimes when I see you and there is no avoiding seeing you because admit it ladies, y'all are some of the ones that are half nekid when you are working out! Well I can't rant on and on about this anymore because guess where I am off to? Yup! You guessed it! Hi ho hi ho it's off to the torture chamber I go.....sigh..... is there any freakin' chocolate in this house???